The Conundrum of the MiniVan

Let me begin by trying to communicate my hatred for minivans. Since I began driving, I have been plagued by the curse of the minivan. Everywhere I go, it seems that there is a secret fleet of minivans strategically placed to impede my progress. Currently, the minivan ranks second on my list of biggest pet peeves, behind people who spit when they talk, but ahead of bad movie endings. As you can see, this is something I'm very serious about.

The problem with the minivan is not the vehicle itself. It is an intelligent design concept, is certainly an improvement over the full-size vans of the past, and, with a few exceptions, is pretty easy on the eyes. The problem is with the way the vehicle is driven. When I first started noticing it, I thought it was just a coincidence; not ALL minivan drivers were bad drivers, were they? So I really started paying attention, and I have been horrified by my observations. Yes, apparently all minivan drivers are terrible, horrible, dangerous motorists. Seriously, I mean really bad.

(*Quick disclaimer* Of course, if you are reading this, and you drive a minivan, I'm not talking about you. It's all the other minivan drivers that are the problem, but not you. You're good. Now simmer down.)

Anyway, after years of observation, frustration, and near-fatal car wrecks, it occurred to me that we have on our hands a chicken-and-the-egg sort of conundrum here. Which is the bigger problem, the minivan or the driver?

Certainly there are plenty of bad drivers that drive other types of vehicles, and even a few decent drivers that drive minivans, but how does one explain the striking overlap of bad drivers and minivan drivers? Is a driver bad because they drive a minivan, or independently of the minivan? Is the bad driver drawn by some cruel force of nature to drive a minivan, or is it the minivan that's drawn to the bad driver? Am I insane for philosophizing the nature of the minivan? Probably, but I have been pushed to it.

When a green Chrysler Town and Country, with a big soccer ball sticker on the back window and personalized license plates that say GOAL, makes you follow them at 25 mph on a one lane 45 mph road all the way to work, you'll feel my pain. When a rusted out 86 Chevy Astro Van locks up its brakes in front of you, almost causing a pile-up, then proceed to drive 50 mph in the left (passing) lane of the freeway, holding up traffic because they are yelling at their bastard kids, you'll feel my pain. When you see a minivan coming down the entrance ramp onto the freeway, AND THEY STOP BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID TO MERGE, you'll feel my pain. These things happen to me every day.

The worst part about it, I think, is that most of these people probably don't know any better. They just want to get from A to B, and aren't concerned, or knowledgeable (obviously) about the "rules of the road." They really honestly don't know not to drive slow in the left lane, how to merge, or how to interpret the actions of other drivers on the road. They are generally oblivious when they are driving badly, simply because they don't know any better. At the same time I am cursing them for being dangerous, they are just scared and white-knuckled because they are afraid of the danger around them, not realizing that they are causing most of the problems.

So what does one do about this problem? I thought maybe you could try to teach some of them a lesson, cut them off and slam on the brakes or something. This does not work. It's like punishing a dog for pissing in the house, only two hours later when you get home and notice it. The dog has no idea why you hit him; he does not make the connection between his mistake and the punishment. Similarly, the minivan driver, not knowing s/he has done anything wrong, is frightened and confused by your act of aggression, and does not make the connection to the fact that they are backing up traffic for five miles behind them.

No, it seems that there may be no easy solution to the problem. Except maybe genocide, and who wants that? Please put your hand down. For the time being, let us just be thankful that the automobile industry has created an easy way for us to identify these bad drivers. Just look out for the minivan, and give them as wide a berth as possible. You never know what they're gonna do next.

Kickin' Things Off...

Ahoy-hoy! Welcome to my blog. I have created this site partially as a portal for you, the reader, to my deepest thoughts and revelations, and partially because I like the word blog.
Web log = blog. Who knew?

As I am just getting accustomed to my new home here, I will not be posting anything groundbreaking today. Stay tuned for further developments.